Murderface: Uh, question: What happened to the two guys that hosted your last Death Battle?
Wolfman: Who are you talking about?
Triceracop: You know, the guys who hosted the Death Battle you had between Samurai Jack and Captain America.
Wolfman: Uhh....there was an incident, long story short, I can never go to Wakanda due to a warrant for my arrest.
Triceracop and Murderface look at one another worriedly.
Wolfman: Anyway Jurassic Park!
Triceracop: Isla Nublar to be precise, back in the early 90's, billionaire John Hammond had an insane idea....
Murderface: Yeah, to bring back dinosaurs from extinction and make them into theme park attractions, and feed them goats.
Triceracop: But, unfortunately due to a combination of a tropical storm and a case of corporate espionage, the dinosaurs got out and ran amok.
Wolfman: But did that stop Hammond, or rather Ingen, the company that poured millions into the park? Nope, they corralled the dinosaurs back up and rebranded themselves as Jurassic World.
Murderface: Which failed again because the corporate execs had piss for brains and decided to make a new dinosaur that ran amok....
Triceracop: Leaving the island for anyone to just make into the sight for a competition that can kill its contestants.
Wolfman: But enough about that, lets talk about the dinos that will be hunting out contestants.
Compsognathus (aka Compy)
Height: 12 inches
Triceracop: Now how in blazes can that little thing kill anybody, it's tiny!
Murderface: Yeah Wolfman, I thought you said that we were going to talk about the dinosaurs that can kill people, not some gay little pets!
Muderface: Okay, that's kind of brutal I guess
Wolfman: Right...anyway, don't be fooled by the Compy's size, due to Ingen's genetic manipulation the Compy is now a vicious pack hunter that hunts in packs with more than enough Compies to kill an adult man, like that poor jackass.
Triceracop: That coupled with their tiny, yet sharp teeth and claws, being killed by these things is anything but pleasant.
Murderface: Now these guys look deadly.
Triceracop: Indeed, these, like the Compies and Velociraptors are pack hunters, and while not having the intelligence that the Raptors have, these guys are nether less determined to track you down for dinner.
Wolfman: Yep, and where Herrerasarus lacks in intelligence, they more than make up for it in brawn, being more bulky than a Raptor and built more for hard take downs rather than wearing larger prey down by chasing them.
Murderface:.....I want one for a pet.
Height: 10ft(fully grown)
Weight: 1 ton
Wolfman: Give a big dinosaur a projectile, what do you get?
Murderface: The death of Newman from Seinfeild?
Wolfman: Point goes to Murderface!
Triceracop: I'm surprised with as many liberties Jurassic Park takes with actual dinosaurs, they kept Dilophosarus its original size
Murderface: The hell are those things?
Triceracop: Those, are Troodons, the one species that are arguably more intelligent than the Velociraptors.
Murderface: No way!
Wolfman: Way, like the raptors, Troodons are pack hunters, using teamwork to bring down their prey, these nocturnal beasties are also venomous.
Triceracop: Come again?
Wolfman: Their venomous, it's not clear if they secrete the venom themselves or if they eat poisonous plants to get the poison, but they have a nasty bite, that if it doesn't kill our contestants, it'll leave them in bad shape for the Troodons or any other predator that may come after them.
Murderface: That's it with their description?
Triceracop: Well, they do have sharp teeth, and are aggressive.
Wolfman: And they can be very dangerous in groups like the Compies......next!
Murderface: Only 55lbs, what a wash!
Wolfman: Make no mistake, Jurassic Park Pteranodons are capable of carrying off an adult woman.
Triceracop: And their beaks are like spears, capable of piercing a man's sternum, while wearing body armor.
Wolfman: And they typically fly with the Dimorphodons
Murderface: Can we just get with the big hitters now?
Wolfman: These are arguably the most feared dinosaurs on the island.
Triceracop: Yeah, unlike their real world counterparts, the JP Velociraptors are large, fast, and intelligent, capable of matching speeds with a cheetah and matching wits with an ape
Murderface: Add that with sharp claws made for gutting victims open and jaws that can crush bones, that is one brutal and metal way to go.
Weight: 7 tons
Wolfman: There's Ms. Controversy.
Triceracop: You talking about how she killed the.....
Wolfman: That never happened, that was just collective insanity from the audience.
Murderface: Anyway, this bad mother is just as deadly on land and in water
Wolfman: That along with those claws and teeth, certainly a deadly predator for our contestants.
Wolfman: Imagine if you made a velociraptor the size of one of the bigger theropods.
Murderface: Now imagine it being bulletproof and capable of tracking you down anywhere you go.
Triceracop: Throw in a camouflage ability you get this perfect killing machine.
Wolfman: Now, all rise for her majesty.
I'm A MUTHA FUKKIN TREX!
Wolfman: The T-Rex is the undisputed queen of Isla Nublar, with a running speed of 35mph and a bite force of 12,800lbs.
Triceracop: Not to mention the ability to sneak undetected into a building with nobody noticing until the last moment.
Murderface: And that's not all of the dinos our contestants will face, but these are the ones most likely to hunt them down.
Wolfman: Join us next time as we look at our first contestant, Kraven the Hunter